To the left, to the left.

Scott's a fucking wanker. "you don't know how much I fucking hate you Tabby".
Obviously said because he had the TV on mute when I was telling Jess what I really felt about him in the kitchen. Ha. Pathetic. Some people are so arrogant, and i'm not just talking about Scott. I'm talking about people who I thought I knew. Who I thought I cared about. They just don't know me well enough. Infact, I don't think anybody does and ever will. They say there is no gaurentee that life will be good, that's a little comforting because logically speaking that means there's no gaurentee it will be bad either. Me and Jess always speak about our old mates. Ones we had a "phase" of hanging around with, then one day you never meet up again, not because you dislike eachother, and not because you don't want to. It has happened with so many people. You get to know them, then suddenly you wake up one day and realise that they're gone, not gone compleetly but just standing there out of reach and the perfectness of the time you understood eachother seems to far away, like it's lost. and you hope it's only momentary butthe majority of the time that isn't the case. It happens to best mates. I sometimes feel that me and Jess. Sturt will loose eachother, we don't dislike eachother, but still what we had was fucking great, but now, things have changed, and it could never be how it was. Adam, we used to meet up all over the summer, we became really close, then now, I never see him. Pat, known him since I moved here, the first day I got here we became mates, 9 years later we're still mates but we hardly see eachother. It was good the other night though, he'd had some trouble with his exgirlfriend and saw me n Jess outside, he came over n we ended up sitting in my car chatting for ages then going back to Jess's watching a DVD. We all said that we'd missed eachother and that it would be great to go back to "how it used to be" and how we should meet up sometime. But to be quite honest, I doubt we will. Which is a shame.
It pisses me off how people drift in and out of my life. It's not by choice, it just happens.
Matt, over a year ago I met him and Scott, It used to be us 4, Me, Jess, Scott and Matt, together. It was hilarious, stressful but fun. Now he doesn't even recognise my existance. I sometimes wish Scott wouldnt either.
Loz + the poeple in flexbury flats, used to go there all the time, made some great mates, havn't seen them in ages or been there, I couldn't go down there now and do things like we used to. Partly because i'm staying clean now, but also because the friendships worn out.
There must be a time limit on these things.
Which is why I can't be bothered to bitch about my mates, because if I didn't have them, who would I have? Nobodys perfect and sure as hell i'm not either. It's not the imperfections you should look for in someone, its what makes them who they are.
I dunno why i'm rambling on.

The other night I had a spun out dream, that I was in this clinic on the table, a woman asked me to strip off my bottom half and lean on my side. I did, she then got this torch( which had a camera on the end) and put her finger in my ass, then stuffed the camera/torch up and then out again. I could feel it, it was horrible. What the fuck was that all abouyt. The one I had last night was even more fucked up.
I was riding on this horse and it went down this ditch and I couldn't get it back up, So I called for Amy Pinkus to help me, she came over and as soon as she touched the horse it stepped over the ditch and fell down what looked like a 5 story building on all 4's then landed on the concrete stilll on all 4's and it's legs bucked from the impact and cracked and it fell over on it's side and started moving around in circles in agony.

Whaaaat theeee fucccck.

Miss Pissed xxx